Coping with the holidays

The holidays can be a difficult time for people who have experienced the death of someone loved. Memories of good times at the holiday season can remind us of our loss. Watching others who are celebrating when we feel overwhelmed and lonely can be painful. Holidays force us to realize how much our lives have changed since our loss. Many bereaved are more comfortable developing new holiday rituals or adapting family traditions.

According to Kim Gordan, LMHC-CT, Bereavement Coordinator Hospice of
Westchester, “The first step in coping with grief at the holidays is to acknowledge that the first holiday season is difficult and then to prepare for it in advance by making specific plans that include your loved one”™s memory. Oftentimes, the anticipation of a holiday can be more difficult than the day itself. Planning ahead will help you to manage your emotions.”

Some Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays

Set realistic expectations for yourself. Decide if you want to handle the same responsibilities you”™ve had in the past. Say “yes” when others offer to cook, shop, decorate, etc. Consider shopping by internet or phone this year. Give yourself permission to do less.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Share your plans with family and friends and let them know of any intended changes in the holiday routine.

Try to avoid “canceling” the holiday despite the temptation. It is fine to avoid some circumstances that you don”™t feel ready to handle, but don’t isolate yourself. Allow yourself some time for solitude, remembering and grieving, but balance it with planned activities and distractions from your grief.

Allow yourself to feel joy, sadness, anger ”“ allow yourself to grieve. It is important to recognize that every family member has his/her own unique grief experience and may have different needs related to celebrating the holidays. No one way is right or wrong. Experiencing joy and laughter does not mean you have forgotten your loved one.

Draw comfort from helping others. Consider giving a donation in memory of your loved one. Invite a guest who might otherwise be alone for the holidays.

Take care of yourself. Avoid using alcohol to self-medicate. Physical exercise is often an antidote for depression. Stay in touch with close friends and family. Buy yourself something frivolous that you always wanted but never allowed yourself to indulge in.

Create a new tradition or ritual that accommodates your current situation. Some people find comfort in the old traditions, while others find them unbearably painful. Discuss with your family the activities you want to include or exclude this year.

Examples of Rituals for the Holidays

Create a memory box. You could fill it with photos of your loved one or written memory notes from family members and friends.

Light a candle to honor your loved one.

Put a bouquet of your loved one”™s favorite flowers on your holiday table.

Visit the cemetery and decorate the memorial site with holiday decorations.

Have a moment of silence during a holiday toast to honor your loved one.

Place a commemorative ornament or picture on the Christmas tree or next to the Menorah.

Play your loved one”™s favorite music or favorite game.

Plan a meal with your loved ones”™ favorite foods.

The most important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season after the death of a loved one, and that the best way to cope with that first holiday season is to plan ahead and get support from others.

Mary K. Spengler, MS is CEO of Hospice of Westchester in White Plains, which has provided comprehensive end-of-life care to Westchester County residents with any life-limiting illness for over 30 years. For additional information, visit www.hospiceofwestchester.org or call 914-682-1484.